


"Keith Ruins Dinner"

by Queenscene2



Series: It's Always Sunny on Planet Arus (Dotu Crack Fics) [11]
Category: Voltron: Lion Force (1984)
Genre: Crack, Gen, Keith can't actually cook though, like actual crack cocaine, that part is canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-07
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-13 02:02:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29893974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Queenscene2/pseuds/Queenscene2
Summary: What happens when Keith is allowed in the kitchen?A crack fic
Series: It's Always Sunny on Planet Arus (Dotu Crack Fics) [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1825153
Comments: 1
Kudos: 4





	"Keith Ruins Dinner"

**Author's Note:**

> ***this is a crack fic. Do not take anything seriously***

“Keith, why are you in the kitchen?” Lance asked, popping his head in. Keith was busy with what looked like a bowl of slop. “Why not? Do you have to know everything?”

Lance scoffed. “Yes? You put me on patrol.” He sniffed the air. “What the hell are you making?” He asked, looking at the suspicious looking bowl.

“Quiche.” Keith answered directly as he poured out the contents onto the pie crust on the counter. The….concoction jiggled as Keith put it in the oven. Lance made a face. “That looks disgusting.” He commented.

Keith turned around and glared at him. “It’s not disgusting! It’s gonna be great!” he said, clearly offended. Lance tried not to laugh at the pink frilly apron he was wearing with the words “Sexy Mama Chef” on it, clearly alluding to Allura.

“Why are you making a “quiche” anyway?” Lance asked, putting the word quiche in air quotes. Keith frowned. “It’s for the Deputy Sky Marshall. He’s coming over, now shoo!” Keith said, pushing Lance out of there.

Pidge and Hunk just so happened to walk by as Keith slammed the kitchen door in Lance’s face. “What’s the Chief doing in there?” Pidge asked. Lance smirked. “Cooking.” He said, using air quotes once again. “Mmm! Good! I’m hungry!” Hunk commented.

“Trust me, my guy, you do NOT want to eat this.” Lance said.

“What do you mean?” Pidge asked.

“You know how quiches are supposed to be golden yellow because of the egg and the cheese?” Lance asked.

“Yes.” Hunk answered.

“No.” Pidge answered.

“Well, Keith’s was diarrhea brown.” Lance said. The graphic description of the meal made Hunk scrunch his nose. “Thanks for letting me know. I’ll stop by Wendy’s. Want anything?”

“CHICKEN NUGGETS!” Pidge screamed. Lance hushed him and looked back to see if Keith heard any of them. When Keith didn’t come out, Hunk took Lance’s order. “I’ll have a spicy chicken sandwich. Extra honey mustard.”

“Tight. I’ll go grab it right before dinner.”

“What will you be grabbing?” the three turned to see Allura walking down the hall toward them. “Keith is cooking in the kitchen.” Pidge said.

Allura furrowed her brows. “Yeah?”

“So, we’re taking orders so that Hunk can go to Wendy’s.” Lance said.

“Why?” Allura asked.

“Dammit you stupid bird, it’s because Keith can’t cook!” Hunk said, exasperated.

“Then why the hell is he in my kitchen?!” Allura snapped back.

The three shrugged. Allura sighed. “Get me a Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger please.” She said. Hunk nodded and wrote it in his phone.

“Good, now that way when Keith comes out with the quiche and whatever else he’s attempting to make, we can all just pull out our Wendy’s.” Hunk said.

The four were excited for dinner that night.

~

“Welcome, good and esteemed Deputy Sky Marshal Reed.” Coran greeted as the snobby looking sky marshal walked past him with his nose held high.

The four pilot officers saluted the sky marshal as Allura attempted to curtsey but stumbled to her side. “Dammit.” She cursed under her breath quietly. The sky marshal was clearly judging her by the look he was giving her.

“Wish I pregamed like Allura did.” Hunk muttered to Lance. “This guy looks like he has a stick up his ass.” Lance snickered. “Stick? Try a whole ass tree.”

Pidge overheard and snickered along with Lance and Hunk. Keith flashed them all a look as he followed up behind the sky marshal in an attempt to suck up to him. “Sir, it is quite the honor to have you here with us this evening, we are just _thrilled_ that you have come all this way to—”

“Please son, no need for the flattery. You can’t make up your absolute failure now.” The three boys in the back clapped back with a long and obnoxiously loud “OHHHHHHH!!!!!” as Keith just stood there dumbfounded.

The sky marshal continued as he walked briskly toward the control room. “You’re the so-called leader of the five rejects that we sent out on that “rescue mission” to find the Legendary Voltron.”

“Rejects?!” Keith muttered under his breath, his colossal pride shrinking before his eyes. He ran up to the sky marshal once more. “Yes, sir! And we found it! It was in this castle all along!” he said.

The deputy sky marshal didn’t say anything. Allura broke the silence with a burp. The three other pilots laughed as Keith continued to lick the sky marshal’s boots.

~

Soon enough, all of them were at the dinner table except for Keith who was preparing his “food” to be served. The other four gave silent glances to each other around the table and prepared their fast food bags which were under the table in front of them.

The sky marshal sniffed the air. “Something smells good!” he said, unknowingly smelling the fast food. Keith came out with a smile on his face and the “quiche” in his hands. The color of the quiche darkened to the color of Lance’s hair.

“Here you are, sir! Oh and I guess everyone else too. Enjoy my quiche!” he announced. “Thanks Keith!” Lance said overenthusiastically. He then pulled out the bag containing his sandwich from in between his legs and the rest followed suit.

“What the--?!” Keith cried, seeing the others pull out their food. “What?!” Lance asked, pieces chicken spilling out of his mouth.

Keith glared at them all. “Well if you didn’t want this wonderful quiche I made, then you should have said so! I would have made something else.”

“Bitch, that is NOT the problem heerrreee.” Allura said slurred and with a stuffed face. “Your cooking sucks.”

“No it doesn’t!” Keith defended, clearly hurt. He took a piece of the food and slapped it on his plate. The sky marshal reluctantly did the same.

“You should have ordered out with us, Keith and just gave up.” Lance said.

Pidge picked up something that Keith had put out on a tray. “What is THIS?” he asked, picking it up.

Keith looked over. “Those are cinnamon rolls.”

“Why does it look like dog shit?” Hunk asked.

“It does not!” Keith protested.

“Yeah it does. It looks like a dog shit all over the pan.” Lance said firmly.

Their arguments were interrupted by choking sounds coming from the sky marshal. Keith was even more hurt. “Sir, you know it’s really rude of you to be making dramatic choking noises like that.” The sky marshal didn’t answer. He was too busy turning blue.

Hunk took a bite of his burger. “See? Even the sky marshal hates your food.”

At this point the sky marshal had stopped breathing and the five gathered around his now lifeless corpse. Lance just shook his head and took another bite of his sandwich. “Way to go, Keith, your cooking killed a man.”

Keith pouted. “It’s not that bad, you bastards.” He growled. They then casually returned to their seats as the dead body of former deputy sky marshal Reed laid on the dining room floor.

“If you like your cooking so much, then why don’t you eat it?” Lance asked him. The three then turned to Keith.

Keith pouted. “I _will_.” He said, taking a forkful of the rancid quiche. He then put it in his mouth and chewed it. It tasted disgusting but there was no way he was going to tell the rest of them.

“It’s great. Especially the extra aspic I put in it.”

The others made a face.

~

“Well look at you, Keith.” Allura said, seeing that he finished the entire slice. “Guess it was delicious after all.” She said.

Keith ignored the queasy feeling in his stomach and gave her a thumbs up. “Y-Yeah!” he said.

“We should celebrate by a drink.” Hunk said. “Oh and also we should mourn the death of sky marshal Reed with a drink too.” He said, staring at the blue body.

The others vehemently agreed, while Keith made a beeline to the bathroom.


End file.
